PRIMARCHS SHORTS
by Lastie
Summary: A collection of short stories based in the PRIMARCHS ... 'verse ... sort of ... basically this is the totally random stuff that I didn't have space to fit anywhere else.
1. Makari And His Flag

_**Ancient Terra (aka Earth) – 30,000AD ... just after the evening news**_

_Deep within the top secret research facility of the Unified Peoples of Terra*, the greatest minds of the universe are busily adding the final touches to a project decades in the making. Utilising the data harboured from the success of the genetically engineered warriors of the Unification Wars, these scientist are hard at work creating the next step in Human evolution. Combining the most powerful genes and state-of-the-art genomancy, they seek to create twenty warriors of unrivalled power. The greatest generals to lead mankind into a new era of galactic domination! This is the dawn of the Great Crusade, and at the forefront of this conquest will stand the PRIMARCHS! Gaze upon their small infantile forms within the liquid-filled glass containers that monitors their growth! Gaze upon these mighty warriors, and know that they are Gods Amongst Men!_

**Horus:** _Farts. Little bubbles exit his rear and trail upwards through the liquid to the surface where they pop with audible symphony. _

_Yeah ... as I was saying ... Gods amongst men ..._

**Random Terran Scientist: **_Ticking off a series of boxes on a crystal holo-sheet she holds. "_Everything seems in order. Magnus needs a new container – he's outgrown his current one"

**Another Random Terran Scientist:** "Again? This is the fourth test tube we've had to make for him! Is it really necessary for him to be this big ... and red?"

**RTS:** "Tracy demands that he be this size, and are you questioning Tracy's wisdom?"

**ARTS:** "Of course not! I'm just tired of moving that big red one-eyed toad when he gets too fat ... what's Alpharius doing?"

**RTS:** _Turning to observe the infant Alpharius._ "He seems to be doing a fine impression of you, complete with hidden undertones of childhood trauma and a lack of self-confidence suffered after that girl you fancied during high school refused to go to the prom with you"

**ARTS:** _Picks up a large metal pole._ "Why that little!" _Bangs on the glass a few times._ "Take the piss out of me, why don't you! And for the record – I married a woman far better than that stuck-up Jenny! Where's she now? Eh? Where's she now?"

**Jenny:** "Standing beside a rather irate EMPEROR OF MANKIND!"

_ARTS slowly turns around, to gaze upon the awe-inspiring presence of, indeed, a rather irate EMPEROR OF MANKIND! _

**ARTS:** "Ah ... my lord"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"REJECTED!" _Glorious rays of divine energy consume ARTS and turn him into mere ash. Alpharius sticks his tongue out at the remains._ "Last time I hire university postgraduates ... stick that back in Alpharius, before I do it for you!" _The tongue immediately retracts._ "Take note Jenny – that's how you instruct children. Fear of imminent and painful death ensures any child obeys your commands"

**Jenny: **_Writes something on the holosheet she carries._ "I'll remember that my lord ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"How are they Random Terran Scientist?"

**RTS:** "That's not actually my name, my lord ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Don't care"

**RTS:** "Oh ... well they've all checked out OK. The gene therapy is responding well, and they're all beginning to manifest the extreme two dimensional personality traits you ordered"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Excellent. I can't have my generals having more personality than me – that's just not proper! I'm the EMPEROR OF MANKIND! bitches – take note Jenny" _Jenny scribbles something on her holosheet._ "Well if everything checks out for today, we can close up for the night and go eat some pizza or something"

**Jenny:** "You mean leave them alone overnight?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"They're big kids in test tubes now, they can take it"

**Jenny:** "Can I ... stay here? Keep them company? They might get lonely you know ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **_Raises an AWESOME eyebrow._ "Interesting ... what are you planning to do? Read them a bedtime story?"

**Jenny:** "Well ..."

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Oh good grief, you were. Oh very well, although I demand to select a bedtime story appropriate for my little generals of AWESOME and WIN"

**Jenny:** "I was thinking 'Makari and His Flag'"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Excellent choice! Off you go!"

**Jenny:** _Noticing everyone, gestating Primarchs included, watching her intently, taps her holosheet a few times. _"Is everyone sitting comfortably?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Well I am. They're-" _He points at the Primarchs._ "-floating"

**Jenny:** "Er ... ahem ...

_Once upon a time, there was a small Grot called Makari who had a big flag, all pretty and green. Makari loved his flag – he would wave it about every day and marvel at the colours._

"_That's a productive use of his time. Does the Ork army get benefits if he waves it faster?"_

_Please, my lord ... anyway ... Makari would always go into battle with his flag, and wave it before the enemy in defiance. Many times the enemy tried to take the flag from Makari, but Makari was too lucky for them. Lucky because he had his flag._

"_How the hell does that work? Does the cloth impart some magical saving throw against the laws of physics?"_

_My lord! I can do without the interruptions! Now, one day Makari woke up to find his flag had gone! He searched high and low, but he could not find the flag! Makari was very sad, for he loved his flag very much, and it was nowhere to be found. Makari looked under his bed, but the flag was not there. He looked on top of his bed, but the flag was not there._

"_It's going to be one of those stories isn't it? Can we skip to the part where the little snot finds his flag?"_

_But that defeats the whole point of the story, my lord!_

_Makari went to the Runtherdz, and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'No', said the Runtherdz. ' We haven't see your flag, but we do see a loose Grot!' With that they tried to catch Makari! But Makari was swift and lucky, and ran away!_

"_Oh that was exciting ..."_

_Makari went to the Stormboyz, and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'No', said the Stormboyz, 'but we do want to test out our new rocket pack'. With that said, they tied a rocket to Makari and lit it! Makari shot up into the stars, but his luck held fast and he missed them all, landing back to the ground without a stratch._

"_He missed a __**star?**__ The damn things aren't exactly small, you know? 20% chance of containing an irate C'tan too ..."_

_Ahem ... Makari went to the Lootaz and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'No', said the Lootaz, 'but we got this cool new Human mega-death-machine that we want to try out on someone'. So they shot Makari with it, but Makari's luck held fast and the mega-death-machine destroyed everyone but Makari._

_Then Makari went to the Flash Gitz-_

"_Wait, I thought you said everyone died?"_

_Then Makari went to the Flash Gitz and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'No', said the Flash Gitz, 'Your flag isn't flash enough for us'. So Makari went to the Kommandos and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'No', said the Kommandos, 'what use for a flag do we have? We sneak, and flags would give us away'. _

"_What? They're not trying to kill Makari?"_

_Then Makari went to the Pain Doks, and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'No', said the Pain Doks, 'but we do see a prime candidate for our new bioniks'. But Makari's luck held out, and he ran away from the mad Pain Doks._

_Then Makari went to the Mekboyz, and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'No', said the Mekboyz, 'but we do see a prime candidate for a Killer Kan'. But Makari's luck held out, and he ran away from the mad Mekboyz._

"_Oh, running away. Great morality tale to teach the kids there"_

_Then Makari went to the Wierdboyz, and asked them if they had seen his flag. 'Yes', said the Wierdboyz, 'we see many flags. All of them bright colours, and many shapes and sizes. Some ignore the laws of our universe, others make new ones up. But none of them are your flag'._

_By now Makari was sad, so he went to Ghazghkull and lamented. 'What you upset for?' Ghazghkull commented. 'Your damn flag's been tied to your back this whole story!'_

**Jenny:** "And that's the end"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"That's it? That's it? I sat through that damn story, and the damn flag was on the guy's back all along? What a cop-out!"

**Jenny:** "How would you have ended it, my lord?"

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Simple ...

_By now Makari was sad, so he went to Ghazghkull and lamented. 'SHUT UP YOU STUPID GROT!' Ghazghkull bellowed, and promptly sat on the damn annoying pip-squeak._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"... and the moral of the story? Don't waste your time looking for stupid flags when you could be out there killing xenos in my name. Remember that kids!"

_The Primarchs nod in unison._

**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **"Right, Jenny? That was a pointless story that wasted my AWESOME time – REJECTED! And RTS? REJECTED! Because you're apparently too damn lazy to get yourself a character name" _Turns to the reader._ "And as for you ...

REJECTED!

I get to kill everyone. Damn awesome 100th chapter in my books. Right, you little sods can bugger off into the warp and learn how much the universe sucks the hard way. I'm off to get some pizza and chill out with Hecate's Legion ... what? Did you think I made female Space Marines to satisfy equal rights campaigners? Your daddy has needs, kids. That's why I made you lot. Can't conquer a galaxy** and** get some action at the same time ... well ... I could, but I'd rather just get some action****"**

_With that said, our glorious leader of men, the shining example of all that is AWESOME about Humanity, walks from the room as the warp portal opens and consumes the infantile Primarchs. Their fate is well documented, and as for the EMPEROR? His fate is not suitable for a PG-13 rating. _

_Indeed, Gods Amongst Men. Lucky bastards._

_* The Public Relations department are wondering about the positive image the current name entails, and are debating whether to rename to something more bleak and oppressing, like the 'Imperium of Man', in order to discourage any nasty concepts people may have that this is a democracy, and not a brutal totalitarian dictatorship created, and ruled by, an insane, powerfully psychic, megalomaniac. _

_**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **__"Ouch; that's harsh. I'm a huge supporter of democracy ... I just believe my vote counts double ... double everyone else's"_

_** This might shed some light on what happened to the Brides of the Emperor when the Adeptus Custodes led them before the Golden Throne._

_**EMPEROR OF MANKIND!: **__"Oh yeah ..."_


	2. The Mild Stumble of the Eldar Part 1

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

SIDE STORY - THE MILD STUMBLE OF THE ELDAR, PART I

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY SIX*** = = = = = = = =

"You see this? This is a Hugo-Jones-Pattern Vortex Grenade. This is a 'I Don't Care What Save Or Special Rule You Have, You're Dead'. This is a sure-fire way of getting rid of your ex-wife. This is a 100% efficient method of keeping the kids quiet. There is nothing my Vortex Grenade cannot do ... except maybe cool beer ..." - Random Guardsman

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

Exposition goes here ...

Horus: "Impressive! You traversed the multiverse in less time than it takes me to remind myself how awesome I am and reforged and ancient sword to working 2nd edition status!"

Lion: He swings the Lion Sword. "Hmm ... double attacks, D6 wounds, no armour saves ..." A second swing, slightly to the left this time. "+2 strength ..." A third swing. "No ... +3 ..."

Lorgar: "So it's juicy?"

Lion: "Exceedingly"

Vaul: "A pleasure to help an old friend out ... or rather a friend of an old friend"

Horus: He gestures to Lorgar and Vaul. "How do you two know each other anyway?"

Vaul: "A long story ..."

Horus: "Well we could do with a flashback to hold up the story while we find the Final Key"

Vaul: "A sneaky and dastardly plan ... I approve! Very well, if you're sitting comfortably ..."

Blurry mists of time part ...

THE EYE OF TERROR - TEN YEARS AFTER THE HERESY, ABOUT TEA TIME

A young (or rather, younger) Lorgar sits at a table covered in books looking miserable. A Daemonically-gifted Chaplain stands before him.

Erebus: "Cheer up my lord, it could have been worse ..."

Lorgar: "And how in fact could it have been worse?"

Erebus: "The critics could have actually crucified you ... and not just with their reviews ..."

Lorgar: "I spent ten years writing that book, researching the events leading to our defeat at Terra ... and what do they say? 'Not enough action', 'too much philosophy', 'not written by Dan Abnett' ... bloody critics ... what do they know?"

Erebus: "You would think a fair amount ..." He notices the look on Lorgar's face. "But of course I mean nothing ... nothing at all!"

Lorgar: "Indeed. My genius! And they criticise it! I feel the pain every author dreads - the pain of knowing there are people out there who's job it supposedly is to understand and praise your work who see nothing of your genius and throw hurtful words in your direction! My masterpiece is defiled! My child is raped and given to me on a bronze plate with a note attached saying 'DO NOT WANT'! The humiliation! The shame! The burning desire for vengeance!"

Erebus: "What's your plan, my lord?"

Lorgar: "I shall write a piece of literature so undeniably filled with such words of awesome that they will have no choice but to sing my praises and come crawling before me begging for my mercy! Which I won't give ... of course ..."

Erebus: "So ... write another book then?"

Lorgar: "Well I'm getting paid for it ... might as well ..."

Erebus: "A shining display of your overpowering intellect, my lord"

Lorgar: "Don't think I can't sense sarcasm when it's thrown at me, Erebus. You don't exactly have the most subtle of character"

Erebus: "It's the permanent evil grin plastered on my face isn't it? Horus always said he only let me trick him because he felt sorry for my one-dimensional personality"

Lorgar: "Indeed. Now escape my sight and go plot evil deeds somewhere else! I need to seek inspiration for my next book!"

Vaul: "And so he sought high and low, across the editions for that topic with which to reclaim his past glory as a New York Times best-seller ... he travelled the length and breadth of the galaxy, from the Halo stars to the Squat Homeworlds, to the Eye of Terror to the Ultramar Cluster, and finally ... he arrived at the Craftworld of Biel-Tan ..."

Lorgar stands before the gates of Biel-Tan ... well I say 'gates' ... it's more 'large airlock' ...

Lorgar: "Erm ... is there a doorbell somewhere I could ring ... ?"

A voice calls down from the spires ...

Voice: "Bugger off! We don't welcome Chaos sympathisers here!"

Lorgar: "I'm not a bloody Chaos sympathiser!" Looks at the eight-pointed star plastered all over his armour. "Well ... OK I see your point. Look I'm a journalist ... I'm here for an interview with Eldrad Ulthran!"

Voice: "... that's Ulthwe you retard!"

Lorgar: "Oh ... sorry"

Horus: "Did you actually travel to Biel-Tan by mistake?"

Lorgar: "What can I say? I was young and stupid ... anyway, cut to the bit where I eventually show up at Ulthwe"

Vaul: "After Saim-Hann and Iyanden?"

Lorgar: "Yeah ... skip those parts"

Lorgar stands before the gates of Ulthwe ...

Lorgar: "Look ... is this bloody Ulthwe? 'cause the last lot said the previous craftworld was Ulthwe and that turned out to be Alaitoc ... are you lot doing this deliberately?"

A voice calls down from the spires ...

Voice: "It amuses us ... hey we don't get out much so we take what entertainment we can find ..."

Lorgar: "Oh ... glad I can be of entertainment ..."

Voice: "Sarcasm will get you nowhere ... especially if you want to see Eldrad ..."

Lorgar: "Sorry ..."

Voice: "All right ... come inside, but keep your dirty Chaos corruption to yourself! We like our lifestyle rigid and uncompromising ..."

Lorgar: "Wow you guys really are a whole bundle of fun ..."

Walking through the gates, Lorgar enters the craftworld proper ...

Lorgar: "Wow ... it's like Jes Goodwin vomited over New York ..."

Eldrad Ulthran: "I'll take that as a compliment. You must be the Arch Evil Preacher Of Corruption Lorgar ..."

Lorgar: "Er ... I've been called that before. You must be Eldrad?"

Eldrad: "That I am. I would shake your hand ... but Chaos is apparently contagious ... at least according to the 'Universe of 40K as according to Dan Abnett' ... and as I'm trying to get him to feature me in more Heresy books I can't really object to his logic ... so ... you wanted to interview me?"

Lorgar: "I'm looking to write a piece on the Fall of the Eldar and the Rise of Slaanesh-"

Every Eldar around winces in pain.

Lorgar: "Was it something I said?"

Eldrad: "Just the name of the Great Enemy ... nothing important ..."

Lorgar: "Oh ... sorry"

Eldrad: "It's fine ... I don't expect an uncouth individual such as yourself to understand ... well maybe if I say Lectitio Divinitatus!"

Lorgar winces.

Lorgar: "That religion is so badly done. The basic tenets lack proper passion and the prayers brutalise basic High Gothic grammar ..."

Eldrad: "Then you feel our pain ... Slaanesh-" He winces "-as an example of the Eldar state of mind is an embarrassment ... she spends all her time buying shoes and watching porn ... seriously ... what's that for an example of our species?"

Lorgar: "Highly embarrassing?"

Eldrad: "Indeed ...luckily we're working on a new deity ... Ynnead ... God of Sunday Afternoons ..."

Lorgar: "Sounds dead ..."

Eldrad: "That's the point. You do, of course, realise that by allowing you access to the details of our Fall we are placing great trust in you?"

Lorgar: "I assure you I have no desire to be cliche and betray you, even though common GW fluff-" MEOW! "-damn that's getting annoying - standard practice is to depict me and my sons as back-stabbing untrustworthy ... well ... Chaos Space Marines ..."

Eldrad: "And we're supposed to be arrogant ... OK maybe that has an element of truth in it ..."

Lorgar: "And I can be a little backstabby ..."

They pause for a moment ...

Eldrad: "Anyway ... this way to our archives ... I want a share of the profits by the way ..."

Lorgar: "5 per cent"

Eldrad: "6, we don't like the number 5"

Lorgar: "I noticed when I looked at your weapon profiles ... OK fair enough"

Vaul: "And so Lorgar was led deep into the Eldar archives, where Eldrad showed him the ancient records of old depicting the Fall of the Eldar ..."

Horus: "Isn't that sort of stuff supposed to be in the Black Library?"

Vaul: "Nah ... they only have the comic book and fantasy novel sections these days ..."

Lion: "So where do you fit into this?"

Lorgar: "I stayed there for several years reading through basic primary school education books before Eldrad trusted me enough to show me the real works ..."

Eldrad leads Lorgar down a narrow spiral staircase.

Eldrad: "Apologies for the stairs - the lift's out of order"

Lorgar: "That's OK, I could do with the exercise ..."

Eldrad: "Ah ... here we are ..."

Lorgar: "What's this?"

Eldrad: "First hand accounts, Lorgar may I introduce you to Vaul, the Smith-God"

Vaul stands up from the comfy sofa, putting down the DIY book entitled 'Killing C'tan For Dummies', and extends a wraithbone hand towards Lorgar.

Vaul: "Ah ... one of the Corpse-God's children ... a pleasure to meet you. Please take a seat ... I hear you wish to know the truth of the Fall? Well ... it is a dark story ... but one that must be told ..."

Vaul: "Have you guys got any snacks? I'm hungry for some ice-cream ..."

TO BE CONTINUED ...


	3. The Mild Stumble of the Eldar Part 2

P*R*I*M*A*R*C*H*S

SIDE STORY - THE MILD STUMBLE OF THE ELDAR, PART II

= = = = = = = ***CHAPTER FORTY SEVEN*** = = = = = = = =

"I choose you! Barking Toad!" - Pokemon, the Catachan Years

After ten thousand years of unending binge drinking and wondering where they left their wallets (and in which dimension to boot), the Daemon Primarchs and their Daemonically-challenged brothers have ended the Long Stare-off and combined forces to combat the greatest evil known to the Warhammer 40,000 universe - the Forces of Retcon and their harbingers, the C'tan.

Having divided into six teams to locate and recover the six keys for the Gates of Varl carelessly lost by their long-lost stoner brother, Primarch Carl of the Eleventh Legion, the Fear Loathers, our (debatable) heroes race to defeat the C'tan by obtaining the only canon-verified way of travelling back in time and defeating the Star Gods when they were young (and without their undying servants) - the Fish of Time!

To continue our short side-story ...

Horus: "So you basically told him all about the Fall?"

Vaul: "Not at first. I wanted to get to know this Primarch, ensure that his quest was just and true"

Lion: "He was, and still is, a Chaos Space Marine. What were you expecting?"

Lorgar: "That's just stereotyping El'jonson"

Lion: "Whatever. If anyone needs me I'll be in the shower washing my effeminate long white hair ..."

The Lion leaves ... and so does the Ominous Latin Chanting ...

Horus: "Girly-boy's gone to harass flower sellers and throw materia balls at people. You may continue Vaul ..."

Vaul: "Where was I ... ?"

Vaul: "So Lorgar and I talked for several weeks about inconsequential matters, such as who had the largest breasts out of all the Sisters of Silence, and whether Horus really did declare 'Let the Galaxy Burn!' when assaulting just a single planet in a vain attempt at a continuity nod to Ezekyle in years to come ..."

Horus: "What? I said it first! Ezekyle's copying me!"

Vaul: "That's the problem when the franchise goes backwards ... anyway ... eventually Lorgar asked the pivotal question ..."

Lorgar: "So what's with the wraithbone body?"

Vaul: "Alas ... a small accident ..."

Lorgar: "The Fall?"

Vaul: "It's related ... I suppose the time has come for the story you've waited patiently for ..."

Lorgar: Retrieving his pens and scrolls. He switches several servitors to 'record' mode. "Ready ... go ahead ..."

Vaul: Settling back in his chair. "It was a long time ago that Chaos first whispered into Eldar hearts ... during the time of the WAR IN HEAVEN!"

Lorgar: "What's with the all-capitals?"

Vaul: "To ensure that people don't think it was just an earlier version of the Horus Heresy. That little scrap between you Primarchs was a small incident compared to this. The galaxies crumbled, and the heavens themselves were moved by the vast energies released! This was a war between Gods, not biogenetically engineered superhumans. This difference must be emphasised ..."

Lorgar: "OK ... so ... the WAR IN HEAVEN ... what about it?"

Vaul: "It was where it all began ... Chaos that is. Oh don't get me wrong the Empyrean existed before this, but it was a calm and tranquil place ..."

Hazy mists reveal the Warp, about 85 million years ago ...

Two warp-fish swim in the vast oceans of the Empyrean.

Warp-Fish 1: "Hey Harry! How's it going?"

Warp-Fish 2: "Not bad Larry. How's the wife?"

Warp-Fish 1: "Spawning"

Warp-Fish 2: "Congratulations old chap! What's their names?"

Warp-Fish 1: "Mally wanted Kally, Sally, and Hally, but I put my foot down and said 'We're sticking with Khorne, Nurgle and Tzeentch!'"

Warp-Fish 2: "How'd she take that?"

Warp-Fish 1: "We're divorcing ..."

We return to the previous flashback (do keep up here) ...

Vaul: "So peaceful ... unfortunately that did not last. The vast psychic energies given off by the children of the Old Ones eventually reflected in the great pool of emotion that is the Empyrean, and it was forever changed ..."

We return to that other flashback ... the older one ...

Warp-Fish 2: "Hey Larry! How's the divorce?"

Warp-Fish 1: "Finished Harry"

Warp-Fish 2: "What happened?"

Warp-Fish 1: "I ate her. Kids are mine. Harry; meet Khorne, Nurgle and Tzeentch"

Khorne: "Hmm ... food"

Nurgle: "FOOD!"

Tzeentch: "SUSHI! NEED SOME CHOPSTICKS!"

Warp-Fish 2: "Noo! Get them away from me!"

Skipping back again (told you this would get confusing) ...

Vaul: "And so the Gods of Chaos were born, and the Enslaver plague descended upon the galaxy ..."

Lorgar: "Wait ... so the Gods sent the Enslaver plague?"

Vaul: "No the Enslavers just came to our galaxy because the Chaos Gods put the rent up on Warp-retail estate, and the Enslavers, being the hobos they are, couldn't afford it. So they came here ... and ate everyone"

Lorgar: "That's when the C'tan and the Necrons went into hibernation ... right?"

Vaul: "Indeed, but that's not important. What is - the birth of the Chaos Gods. Of course there was one still to appear ..."

Lorgar: "Slaanesh ... OH STOP WINCING UP THERE I CAN STILL HEAR IT!"

Vaul: "Forgive the Eldar, but they deserve to feel embarrassed about Slaanesh ... OH ME-DAMN IT, THAT IS ANNOYING! Anyway ... the WAR IN HEAVEN continued to echo for millions of years-"

Lorgar: "Yeah, that's a good question - what were you doing for all that time?"

Vaul: "Erm ... the Great Quest ..."

Lorgar: "The Great Quest? What was that?"

Vaul: Shuffles uncomfortably. "Someone in the distant past suggested it would be impossible to ... erm ... watch all the porn on the Internet ... so the Eldar, in their infinite arrogance, set about to prove them wrong ..."

Lorgar: "That was the Great Quest? That's what's kept you guys occupied for millions of years?"

Vaul: "Well it was a lot of porn ... and that's what made Slaanesh-" The Eldar wince. "-for when we finished, she was born"

Lorgar: "Where you actually ... for the entire ... ?"

Vaul: "Oh heavens no ... it got dull after a month ... then tedious after a year ... then mind-numbingly boring after a decade ... thankfully the Eldar weren't immortal and died eventually, leaving their descendants to continue on with the torture in the name of their species' honour ... it's just that when they did die, their souls contained nothing but memories of bad acting, atrocious dialogue, and more silicon than the average silicon-based life form ..."

Lorgar: "And all these souls eventually merged, to create a being entirely created out of pornography ..."

Vaul: "Exactly. When the collation of souls reached critical mass - Slaanesh was born ..."

Lorgar: "And supposedly ate the Eldar Empire and most of its pantheon of gods ... but I'm guessing that's not entirely accurate?"

Vaul: "That's what the Eldar would like you to believe ... truth is at first me and my kind were keen on this new deity ... at least us guys were. The girls weren't too sure, but when she slept with Morai, who as you might guess was never that popular with the guys, they turned their attitude around"

Lorgar: "Wait ... you all slept with her?"

Vaul: "'Sleep with' is a little of a misleading term here ... we're giant swirling vortices of energy in the Warp; when we have sex it isn't the most exciting thing in the world to watch. Like hurricanes merging for a moment, and there's no cigarette afterwards ..."

Lorgar: "I suppose I really wanted to know that ..."

Vaul: "You told me all the details, so I'm giving you all the details. Point is, Slaanesh was popular with us Eldar Gods. At least until her tastes became a little ... wild ..."

Lorgar: "Wild?"

Vaul: "Lets just say she was adventurism ... there wasn't anything she wouldn't try ... and when she started experimenting with rubber ducks we knew someone needed to have words ... unfortunately she didn't take it too well ..."

Lorgar: "She ate most of you?"

Vaul: "Oh no ... as I've said that never happen. That's just lies and propaganda the Eldar throw out to hide the truth ... no the truth was Slaanesh got upset, claimed we didn't understand her, that she was still seeking her place in the world, so we grounded her"

Lorgar: "You grounded her?"

Vaul: "Sent her to her room, banned her from that Noise Marine concert she wanted to go to ... then she sneaked out her window when we weren't keeping an eye on her and ran off to that crowd she sometimes hung around with, and I blame them for giving her bad ideas ..."

Lorgar: "I'm guessing we're talking about the other three here?"

Vaul: "Oh yes, that band of rebels. Thinking they're cool and all that ... Khorne with his leather and bike, Nurgle and that ridiculous haircut, glasses, and general mopy attitude, and Tzeentch ... heaven knows what Tzeentch was taking but it couldn't have been the soft stuff ... so Slaanesh ran off with them, and that was the last we saw of her ... until she came back the next day and demanded her porn collection to show to the guys ..."

Lorgar: "What about the Eldar Empire? Isn't the Eye of Terror ... ?"

Vaul: "Oh that's what happens when you combine warp-mints with cola ... try and avoid that, by the way ..."

Lorgar: "Oh ... sure ... thanks. Was that how you've got your body?"

Vaul: "The wraithbone? Yeah ... I was showing off to Lileath at a party ... thought it would be cool ... wiped out the Empire ... my bad ..."

Lorgar: "These things happen I suppose. Are the other gods talking to you?"

Vaul: "Lileath sends me birthday cards, but the others aren't talking to me ... except Khaine ... who rings me up every day to remind me how much I suck ... jerk"

Lorgar: "I think that's it ... thanks for your time ..."

Horus: "And the book? How did that do?"

Lorgar: "The Black Library didn't publish it ... they said it didn't have enough gut-wrenching violence in it and too much sex, which would make it unsuitable for their desired age range of twelve year old kids ..."

Horus: "And that makes a whole lot of sense ..."

Lorgar: "Yes ... it amazes me that you can have extended scenes of Eldar torture ... but no one can say the word 'f**k' ..."

Horus: "Anyway ... here's to the Black Library, may they continue to not make sense!"

Vaul: "Thanks for the ice-cream by the way ..."

SIDE-STORY END


	4. INTRO GAME THIS!

INTRO GAME THIS!

_Picture, if you will, a typical GW store. A single blueshirt man's the post (GW can't afford more than one staff at a time, otherwise they'd put the prices up (again!)). Our GREAT AND NOBLE HEROES Horus, Lorgar and Hecate walk in._

**Lorgar:** "Dammit! Where's my Word Bearers? Have the fething moved all the stock **again**?"

**Horus:** "What's that? Third time this week?"

**Lastie:** "Hi, can I help you guys?" _[Closed question = bad. Gives them opportunities to fob you off]_

**Horus:** "Yeah, you can piss off. If I wanted chit-chat with a redshirt I'd use online shopping"

**Hecate:** "Er ... don't you use online stores to **avoid** over zealous staff?"

**Horus:** "But then I don't get quality customer service!"

**Lastie:** "Are you looking for anything in particular?" _[Getting desperate now. Do I have a sale?]_

**Horus:** "Shut it. I don't involuntarily fund your paycheck so you can talk to me. Stand by the till until I come over with my ridiculously priced miniatures"

**Lastie:** "... have you bought your copy of Black Reach?" _[I just remembered my KPI __**now**__?]_

**Lorgar:** "It's crap. How the hell am I supposed to make righteous chaos minions out of these barely-disguised Roboute fodder? What the hell do I do with all these Orks? Ebay them? Why would I **buy a product** only to **sell them again**?"

**Lastie: **"... er ... new marines next month!"

**Horus:** "Boring! Who cares about loyalists?"

**Hecate:** "Who cares about **male** marines?"

**Lastie:** "... if you want me I'll be in the corner ... crying ..." _[I surrender!]_

**Horus:** "Excellent. We have the shop to ourselves! Now where's Bile?"

**Lastie:** "Mail order only"

**Horus:** _EXPLODES WITH RAGE!_

**DISCLAIMER (In Case My Boss Is Reading):** The above does not represent the official views of Games Workshop or anyone who may or may not work for them. Neither does it accurately represent Lastie's views. Lastie has no views, except on Black Library fiction. Which he destroys with scathing sarcasm.


End file.
